you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
