everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
50% drunk capacity currently
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
