ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
