I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
