Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
