the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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