Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
