I puked a lego.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
