Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
