I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
