why didn't you poke me back
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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