I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
