This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
