ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
