Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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