Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
ttyl tear gas
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
