i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Randomize
