So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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