did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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