You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Less talking, more tequila
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
