Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
