Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
