watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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