Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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