i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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