Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
