You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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