You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
