she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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