if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
