Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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