...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
