We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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