I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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