So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
