i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
