i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
