matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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