I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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