Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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