Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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