When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The beer is more important than you right now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
