I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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