so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
