Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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