we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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