When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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