I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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