my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
