I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
