There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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