Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
