I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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