I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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