i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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